there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
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