yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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