dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
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