Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
