you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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