I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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