Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
