I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
