My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
