just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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