we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
