Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize