I think I won the penis lottery.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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