so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
