I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
