My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i came on her dog
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
