too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
