well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
