He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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