i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
