I'm really into asian looking animals
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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