if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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