Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
