Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
