Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
