my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
