Cold hands, warm shart.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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