I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
