Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
