Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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