i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
