where does the pee come out of this thing
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
