You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
