just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize