i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He is an equal opportunity slut.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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