And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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