Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize