She is in my trunk
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
