I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
