nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i drank out of a bidet.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize