Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
