i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
