I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
