I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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