I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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