my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
