sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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