8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Still dying that you shit outside
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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