I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
