i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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