woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
