Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
