Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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