Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
