I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
