im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
